The problem I have with the attached article is the speculation involved by these cancer experts.  To say that Mr. Jobs could still be alive had he had his surgery sooner–to me–is not fair to Mr. Jobs. He could be just as dead by being hit by a Mack truck, as dying of Cancer.  To alleviate some of the speculation going on as to Mr. Jobs’ death, and whether or not he “could still be alive” if he’d made different decisions, I give you my story:

As a cancer survivor myself, one thing that people who have never had such a disease need to realize is that it truly is one of the most terrifying things to be told.  It is life changing. Literally.

I was diagnosed with cancer 7 years ago today.  I was informed by my primary doctor while I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot of a gas station.  On my lunch break.

Not very “compassionate”, but then that is one reason I liked my doctor so much; she told it to me straight, with no chaser.

A few days later, while sitting in a chair of my new gynecological oncologist’s office, I was told the results of several tests I had endured–one such test so painful my mom had to literally crawl on the examination table to hold me down, while I nearly screamed myself hoarse.  I had Stage IIB Cervical Cancer.  There was a very real chance it had spread to my uterus and my lymph-nodes.  I would need to have a radical hysterectomy at the soonest possible time it could be scheduled…at the age of 32.

Once I heard this news, I promptly stood up, said “thanks, but no thanks”, and literally walked out of the doctor’s office.  Quickly followed by my mom.

I have never seen my mom as pissed off as that moment in the hallway, when I told her that I was not going to have the surgery that could save my life.  Because I was petrified.

She didn’t care.

She gave me some “tough love” and told me to think of my son, whom at the time was 9.

I yelled back at her (which I never do) that I just didn’t give a shit.  That no one was going to cut me open and rip parts of me out of my body, and throw them into a medical waste bin, after further testing. That there was no way in hell I was going to allow for such a scarring procedure to be done to me, for something as stupid as Cancer.

I was adamant in my refusal to go through with such a treatment, because of my fear of the unknown.

Fears I had such as: “Who would possibly want to be in a relationship with me (I was single at the time), upon seeing such scarring?” or “What man would possibly have the desire to love me, if I could not bear his children?” or “What would my friends think when they found out that I would now be an “it”, instead of a whole woman?” or  “Who would still see me, as me, if I allowed such a violation of myself to take place?”

These were the thoughts going through my head in that hallway.

As this was my initial reaction, I can fully understand Mr. Jobs’ hesitation to allow the same for himself.  Cancer is not an easy diagnosis to digest, much less to accept–that you may die from something that has taken hold of your body for unknown reasons, and the only possible cure is to be cut open like a piece of meat at the butcher shop. That your loved ones may see you differently, or treat you differently, simply because you have a disease that must be forcibly removed, or you will die.

Mom said that she would make damn sure that such a procedure would happen, and that I had better start thinking of my future, or I’d never reach it, because I’d be dead.

In looking at her face, and seeing her own fear of my death in her eyes, and thinking about what my death would do to my son, I realized she was right: I had to put my son’s future before my fears.  That if I didn’t do what was suggested, I’d have no need to ever worry about what type of relationships I may have in the future with men or friends or family…I would have no future, so it wouldn’t even matter.  I’d be too busy taking a dirt nap.

I walked back in and scheduled the surgery for the following January.  I am sure that some form of these very thoughts must have been going through Mr. Jobs’ mind after his initial diagnosis, so I can understand his reluctance to jump in with both feet, and proceed.  However, though he was hesitant, he did eventually get the surgery he needed, and it did save his life.  So to imply if only he’d made his decision “earlier” is, again, not a fair assumption to be making, especially if you were not there beside him, to assist him with making the types of decisions he had to make.

I know in my bones that if my mom had not put her foot down, I’d not be writing to you now, and my son would be without his mother. Just as I know my mom was right…that my son is more important to me than any of those other fears I may have held…Fears that have been proven unjust, but still…I had them.  Just as I’m sure most Cancer patients have had them.  Cancer fucks with your mind, not just your body, and people must understand that, as they read this article given by the “experts”.

Just as I am sure that Mr. Jobs may have had similar thoughts about his own personal demons, I am also sure he was thankful that he made the same decision–to have his own surgery–and was grateful he was able to live for the few years he did, after his own experience.

When reading this article it must be understood why Mr. Jobs “could still be alive” is speculative, for even when a Cancer patient has surgery, depending on their type of Cancer there is still a chance it can return.  Even after treatment.  As, unfortunately, it appears happened in his case, if the final photographs of Mr. Jobs floating around the Internet are anything to go by.

The terrifying thing is that having ANY FORM of Cancer, and the aftereffects of such, is very difficult for a person to deal with, even when we (patients) have a strong and supportive family, and network of friends…because we must look at ourselves in the mirror and face our own mortality. Something that our loved ones may find it difficult to understand.  Especially as everyone does eventually die.  But we, the Cancer patients of the world, wish to die like everyone else, on our own damn terms…not from some stupid malfunction of our cells.

We must face the real fact that we can die from what is happening to our bodies, through no fault of our own. Even as we do whatever it takes to prevent that very death.

The decisions that must be made are especially difficult when there are children involved…children whom we know will have to live with whatever the outcome of our decision may be.

At the time of my diagnosis, I was given a fifteen percent chance of surviving the following five years after my surgery.  I chose to grasp this fifteen percent of survival with every fiber of my being, instead of allowing for the thought of an eighty-five percent chance of death to get into my psyche.  I had to.  I had to simply state to myself, every day, that Cancer was not going to beat me.  That I was going to get through it, as I’d gotten through every other shitty thing I’d been through in my life before my diagnosis. With perseverance, strength, and an attitude to match.  I was not going to just give up, and let Cancer take me away from my life.  I would give it the bloody fighting death match It desired.

Such a percentage of survival (I have no idea the number) may have assisted Mr. Jobs with his final decision to have surgery, as would such grit that I know he must have carried within himself, if his history is anything to judge by, but again…that’s just speculative thinking.  I don’t know, I wasn’t there.

Yet, to be told you need such invasive treatment to save your life, and that you also could still die within a certain time frame afterward, was very hard on me, as I am sure it would have been for Mr. Jobs. This very realization could be what spurred Mr. Jobs to work, work, work on the products he wanted to bring to his consumers during the time he had left; again speculation, but I’ve been there, too.

Six days after I went through my procedure, while still recovering in the hospital, I was told that I had some remaining cancerous cells, and would have to go through radiation therapy in a couple of months.  Once it was time, and for thirty days straight thereafter, (minus weekends) I drove 54 miles between my home, my office and my radiologist for this therapy–which threw my body into instant menopause.  As a way to deal with all of these things, I became such a workaholic between April and December of 2005, that I ended up having a breakdown one year to the day of having the radical hysterectomy…on January 10, 2006.

Through blood testing at the ER, where I arrived an uncontrollable, emotional mess (I literally could not stop crying over the course of several hours, and had developed a stutter) the doctor figured out that I had a chemical imbalance…in fact, I was told that I had almost zero Potassium in my body, and would have to submit to even more tests.  I was diagnosed as suffering from an anxiety disorder, as well as depression, caused by the experiences I had been through over the previous year, as well as the additional chemical imbalance in my system, most likely stemming from radiation therapy, and instant menopause.

I was given anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication, and three months later I was “re-balanced”, and off the meds.  Though I do still stutter to this day when stressed, anxious or overly-tired, and I am also still prone to high anxiety, I work to control these aftereffects through positive thinking, and by lessening the stress in my surroundings. Sounds weird, but it works for me.

In December of 2006 I was told that Cancer had returned in one of my lymph nodes.  I had to have surgery again, and it was successful.  I’ve been completely Cancer free for almost six years.  I surpassed my five year “survival period”, and I’m not looking back. While at first I could scarcely tolerate the sight of myself without clothes in a mirror, I now view my scars as having been received while fighting a great battle…and I’m damn proud of them.

Mr Jobs was not as fortunate in his battle, and to read about these “experts” speculation is disturbing to me, if only because I think Mr. Jobs made all of his decisions the best way he knew how, and I am sure that he was very thankful for the time he was given.

To imply that he may have made the wrong decision is not fair, as he made what he thought were the correct decisions for him, and his family.  It is also a bit selfish.  Are such speculations being made because of the devastating loss of the genius innovator he was, or simply because of what his medical condition had been?  I do not recall such speculation taking place when Mr. Swayze died, and his death was equally as sad, and from the same type of Cancer–Pancreatic.  Mr. Jobs lived for years after going through Cancer treatments…not to forget his liver transplant, which must have also been a difficult battle to pull through.  Are we, as members of this society, to be so ungrateful as a culture for what he was able to give us during those years, by being so selfish now; speculating that if he had made “different decisions” he may still be alive?

Unless you have gone through a similar hell that we have been through, you cannot possibly understand how lucky we (his consumers) are that he was able to provide to us the gadgets we all covet from Apple.  We should stop with the speculation as to whether or not he’d still be alive today, and be thankful for the time he was here, and benefited most of society with his talents.  We should be sending out condolences to his family, and his friends, and his co-workers, instead of discussing what “could have been” if he had simply made alternate decisions.

We need to let him rest in peace, and instead assist everyone he left behind get through this difficult time, because after the fight he fought–and won–no matter how briefly; he certainly deserves it, as do they.  Instead of speculating about the possible decisions made by Mr. Jobs, let us find a way to cure this dreaded disease–in all of its forms–and prevent it from prematurely taking any more of humanity.

The Article Referenced:

http://www.google.com/url?sa=X&q=http://www.mercurynews.com/financial-markets/ci_19158348&ct=ga&cad=CAEQAhgAIAAoATAAOABArfaC9QRIAVAAWABiBWVuLVVT&cd=TndTQITyeOk&usg=AFQjCNGVVf1rceK84EjANpoWrJnMjP9mvQ

I got this link: http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2011/02/22/georgia-anti-abortion-bill-would-require-investigations-of-miscarriages/ from my friend Anne Rice’s earlier FB posting, and I started to comment there, but ran out of room, so I thought I’d take a moment to discuss the issue at hand here, instead.

There are a couple of legislative bills that a soon-to-be-mentioned lawmaker in Georgia is trying to have passed through that State’s legislature. House Bill 1 (which would demote women to the rank of “second class citizen”) and House Bill 14 (which would allow a great many rapists and abusers to walk free among the general population).

It appears Georgia Representative, a one Mr. Bobby Franklin (R – Marietta), believes (in accordance with his website: http://www1.legis.ga.gov/legis/2009_10/house/bios/franklinBobby/franklinBobby.htm ) that “government should return to its Biblically and Constitutionally defined role”.
Right off the bat I find this statement to be hilarious, if merely for the fact that one does not necessarily agree with the other.

First of all, the United States Constitution states that in accordance to We The People “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” Therefore, how could this individual possibly think that the United States could “return to a biblically defined role of government” when not every citizen practices the same religion, if they practice any at all?  Just whose “bible” would this government be defined under, exactly? King James? The Qur`an?  The Miqra?  Do those who “believe” get to “pick”?  Do those who do not believe get to have free reign “Old-West” style?

Secondly, this..maker of laws has proposed the following bill:

HB1- http://www1.legis.ga.gov/legis/2009_10/pdf/hb1.pdf to amend the Georgia Constitution to state that (if passed) abortion is to be called “prenatal murder”; that “the removal of a fetus from a woman for any reason other than to produce a live birth or to remove a dead fetus would be classified as “prenatal murder”; that a doctor who performs “prenatal murder” would have their license suspended until said doctor was found “innocent of the crime of prenatal murder”; that women who have miscarriages must be investigated by the authorities to prove they have not committed “prenatal murder” in the event a miscarriage took place outside of a hospital, and to have fetal death certificates issued for all miscarriages suffered.

Clearly this person has not heard of the ruling of Roe vs. Wade; or of the fact that miscarriages are very traumatic experiences for most women, and the last thing a woman needs while grieving the loss of her child is to be investigated because, for whatever reason, Nature has deemed her body not capable of having a child at the present time: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/miscarriage.html

Most miscarriages are spontaneous, and may occur for a variety of reasons, but a woman should not have to be investigated because of such an occurrence!  Up to 25% of women of child-bearing age may suffer from a miscarriage, so I really have to wonder…

Is this man thinking about the “children” or is he looking to increase employment by putting otherwise unemployed law enforcement officials back to work, so that they may conduct such “investigations”?

Or is he looking to generate revenue by putting people on trial for “prenatal murder”, cause surely there would be “fines” involved along the line?

Is he looking for some kind of kickback by building the prisons that would be required to house such persons (doctors) found “guilty of committing prenatal murder” Or for women who have been deemed as causing “prenatal murder” by miscarrying?  Under what justification would a miscarriage fall under, exactly?

Would a woman be thrown into prison for miscarrying because she may have not yet known she was pregnant, and thus went out for a drink, or had a cup of coffee?

Or, because she wasn’t walking with a sure foot, while pregnant, and tripped over a piece of carpet, thus ending her pregnancy by way of a tragic error in her step?

Would would constitute “justifiable miscarriage”?

Not to forget, just how intrusive would such an investigation be?  Would law enforcement be expected to have the woman recite her exact meals and actions prior to the miscarriage, in order to set up a timeline of events?  Would her answers, should she choose to actually participate, be held against her in a court of law?  “I’m sorry Ma’am, but you will have to go to prison for “prenatal murder” because you chose to partake of a White Chocolate Mocha while carrying a growing fetus in your womb.”

Do you see the problems within this picture I have presented?  It gets better…

This is the same “individual” who recently put forth another bill:

HB14 – http://www.legis.ga.gov/Legislation/20112012/108144.pdf that would mandate under the laws of the State of Georgia that victims of rape, stalking, harassment, and family (domestic) violence be “reclassified” as “accusers”; instead of victims, as he believes the term “victim” should only apply once someone has been convicted of the crime of rape, stalking, harassment, and family (domestic) violence.

Clearly he is not aware of just how underreported rape is (an underreported crime), and that such a “mandate” would only hurt more women and children, and allow those who have committed such crimes to get away with them, and remain in society at large–so they may go out and commit further such crimes against women and children.

It is bad enough that victims of such crimes have to carry around such a stigma, but to go and change the wording to that of “accuser” only makes the situation worse, because it tends to lead people to think that the victim may be lying about such an assault!

As a rape victim, and the relative of a woman who miscarried, I am asking on behalf of all other rape victims and women who have miscarried, that this man be forced to resign his office, and be required to take some time and actually read the laws as stated by the Supreme Court about how abortion is legal (Roe vs. Wade, 1973); that almost all miscarriages are “naturally occurring”, and that victims of rape, stalking, harassment, and family (domestic) violence remain classified as just that: victims!

Victim:

• an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Rape victims as “accusers” and women who miscarry being “investigated”?

Doctors losing their licenses and being charged with “prenatal murder”?

Really?!

I understand that not everyone is thrilled with the idea of abortion, even in the event(s) of rape or incest or that such a procedure may save the woman’s life, but I cannot, I just can not believe that this “person” was elected into office by the people of Georgia so that he could have the ability to allow these two House Bills to be presented!!

That this unfeeling, uncaring, inhumane, insanely irresponsible member of the human race has even the remote chance to control the laws in that State!

Good grief!

No wonder this country is going to hell piece by piece!

You have poor excuses of specimen of men like him running for office, and even worse excuses of constituents voting him in as their representative!  Is this truly how the people of the State of Georgia think?  How those who live and work and contribute to the society of the United States feel?

If so, than this country is in even worse shape than I already thought it was prior to reading these bills!

I wonder how this reprehensible example of human existence would react if his dear wife or his female offspring (God forbid) were to be raped, or lose a child due to miscarriage?

Would his darling wife be investigated?  Would he demand that his little girl be called “Accuser” and not “Victim” by law enforcement and the courts?

Why does it always seem to be a man who seems to think that he knows what is best for the women of this country?

It is always Someone Who Thinks They Know Better But Has No Clue trying to barge into the lives of everyone else, and the voters with a profound mentally diminished capacity–for that is what they are: idiots who have the right to vote, who do no research on a candidate–who vote based on looks or how that elected person will “pay for my gas and mortgage”; people of subnormal intelligence who allow these “carbon-based life forms” into office…

Pay Attention!

Pay Attention to those who wish to govern over you!

PAY ATTENTION!

Or soon, you may be paying with something else…your FREEDOM.

If you would like to make a comment directly to the Someone Who Thinks They Know Better But Has No Clue mentioned in this column, please feel free to send him an email at: bobby.franklin@house.ga.gov or visit his Facebook page.  It appears half the country already has…speak your mind!

Do not allow such life-intrusive policies to be made on behalf of you by politicians with an agenda that does not fulfill the duties required of the U.S. Constitution or the Declaration of Independence or each State Constitution!  Now, or in the future!

Peace,

ThamasD – (c) 02/23/11

www.thamasd.com

www.thamasd.com/wordpress

Thamasd@thamasd.com

I am going to tell you a secret that almost no one knows about me: I live in perpetual fear of death.

Not just my own, but of those around me. My friends, my family, my son…my dog. (My new fish seem to be dying daily, but…I like to eat sushi, so I don’t really quantify their death in the same way…wait…that sounded like…no, I am not eating my dead fish…)

Anyway, it takes a concentrated effort for me to leave my apartment each day…and I therefore I make it a point to get out on a daily basis (weather allowing), because I understand that this fear I have is irrational, and yet…

My fear seems to have gotten worse since I moved back out on my own when my LTR ended over the summer, but I also seem to have managed quite well, considering I do get out each day. Even if it is merely to grab a cup of coffee, which I could have just as easily made in my own kitchen, whereas I used to go days without leaving my house when I was in my LTR, so that must say something all on its own…either I was comfortable, or I was terrified…I’ll have to think on it…

However, my fear is not that I will die by the hands of some murderer, or by some form of assault. While I now live in what some would constitute a “rougher” neighborhood than I am used to living in, statistically speaking I have already been assaulted (more than once) in my life, so it would be mathematically shocking if I were again, and most murders are conducted by people you know, and since most of the people I know are not of the murdering type…I figure statistics are in my favor.

Yet, I continue to fear that I–or someone I care about–will die by the means of a mere accident…an accident that could have been avoided, had I stayed the hell in my apartment.

Irrational.

Which is why I leave my apartment every day. (To be fair and balanced here, though, I did get into an accident in October…but I didn’t die, so…again…irrational sticks…)

I am usually able to handle this irrationality each morning when I get up, and go through my day business as usual. School, work, online and personal socializing, photography…that is until something like what happened this morning in Arizona comes across my Breaking News feed on my phone (or Mac), and throws my brain into a fit of “what ifs”.

What if my sister had been in Tucson? (As she was last week).

What if this had happened here? Near me? To someone I knew personally?

What if I had been in Tucson, and decided I needed a bottle of coffee creamer, and headed over to Safeway…

Irrational.

Irrational, because none of these things happened to me. Granted, they did happen, but not to me, and not to anyone I know. That is not to say that the events of Saturday were not tragic; they were. But, they did not personally affect me, so…what the hell is my problem?

The chances of what happened this morning happening to any one of us–to people I know and love–is statistically astronomical…but…my brain thinks…it could have…

I mean, I understand that this tragedy, for all intents and purposes, was completely “random” to all those present, except the apparent target (who I hope has a full and complete recovery); which is therefore the crux of the problem I have with death.

In most cases it is random.

Car accidents. Construction-site accidents. Ski accidents…

Most death is caused by either an accident or an illness.

In the case of illness, most persons who experience such are able to prepare for the end of their life. To meet their death head on.

As a survivor of cancer I must say that I have often questioned my own mortality, and sometimes wondered why I survived, when so many other men and women and children have not. I mean, I had a 15% chance of survival! And I am still here. Is it because I refused to even think of cancer as something more substantial than say, a common cold? I mean, it was CANCER, but I just refused to believe that I couldn’t beat it; so I did. End of story. Right?

Monday marks my six year anniversary since I had surgery to remove my cancer, and my one year anniversary of being declared “cured”; this is very good news, and yes, I am expected to live to a ripe old age, and watch my son have kids (A LONG WAY IN THE FUTURE ), and the chances of cancer returning to me are very remote, but it still haunts me…the “what ifs”.

What if the cancer had not all been removed?

What if it had come back, even after radiation therapy?

What if it returns in the future, even though I have been told that the chances are slim to none?

I would like to think I am a very intelligent, educated, and yet laid back type of person. I laugh often. I am happy most of the time. In fact, not much really bothers me, but when something does…like a death…I have to fight myself to shake the thoughts out of my mind. The what ifs…

My issues with death began when I was seven (1979), and one of my neighbor’s lost a child due to SIDS. This affected me so much that when my own son was born in 1995, I would literally stand in front of his crib for long stretches of time, just to make sure he was still breathing. It was not until a dear friend of mine gave me a baby monitor as a gift, that I was able to feel comfortable enough to enjoy spending time playing Monopoly with my friends, while my son slept in the other room. As long as I could hear his little breaths, I was fine.

Then, in 1996 one of these dear friends of mine died, and my issues with death got worse. Significantly.

I blamed myself for YEARS for my friend dying; I blamed myself because I was going to call him the night he died, but forgot (I had a 1 year old in the house, and a husband to take care of), so you can imagine the horror I felt when I got the call the next day that my friend had died. A suicide. Something I had previously been able to talk him out of by talking to him on the phone, or by taking him on long drives up to Estes Park at 3:00 in the morning…or taking him to a strip club to get falling-down drunk (don’t judge me…we were 21 and it was something he liked to do)…but this time; when he really did it, I was not around, and I blamed myself harshly.

It took me years, as I mentioned, for me to realize that there was most likely nothing I could have done to talk him out of it. Not again.

I have since learned, both through research, and by talking to others, that in most cases when someone is severely depressed and talks about suicide, unless they get help quickly, they tend to go through with it, no matter what you do or what you say. Thus, in retrospect, the only possible way I could have potentially stopped him was if I had been there in person, and that still may not have helped matters. Again…there are that what ifs…but one cannot know how something may have played out, if there was no chance to be in the play.

The problem I have with death is that I find it to be incredibly pointless for the majority of those involved.

I understand when a criminal needs to die, and I have no problem with that.

I also understand when a terminally ill person–such as my grandfather back in 1997–may wish for death to end their suffering.

But, for the majority of humanity; such as the little 9 year old girl Saturday morning in Arizona, I find death to be utterly pointless.

Now, I am not going to get into a conversation regarding religion, because frankly I do not believe in the existence of an all-seeing; all-knowing entity that watches all that is taking place on this earth, and does almost nothing to fix the ongoing ills of humanity, and I do not wish to upset those who do, (though I probably just did…) but I find death to be pointless for the simple fact that it ends life. A life that is of a person who is learning things, doing things, and contributing to things within the realm of their own existence.

By that I mean, what is the point in living, if all one learns during life ceases at death? As far as we are aware of from a purely scientific point of view. I mean, yes, a lot of people do believe in the hereafter, but there is no proof–just a belief by some, so why do we spend our lives learning all we learn, experiencing all we experience, just to…stop?

What is the point of being alive; only to end up dead?

This is why I enjoy the concept of vampires so much. I enjoy reading about vampires, because they–for the most part–are immortal; they are able to continue to learn, and experience–they don’t die (unless they get staked, or whatever means the author intends to end their existence); they are able to continue through generations of history, to be around for the present, and usually the future. To continue existing almost indefinitely.

I live in constant fear that the last time I see someone close to me, it will be the last time I see someone close to me. That they will suddenly be gone, and I will never see them and be with them again in this existence.

I fear flying not because of the potential to end in a fiery crash (though statistically that is there), but because if I die…what the hell would I (and everyone else on that plane) miss out on had we continued to live?

My friend who died in 1996 has missed out on so much!! Some bad (like the events of 9/11); and some great (like the advancement of the Internet).

The Internet, for me, has been both a blessing (for lack of a better word) and a curse, if only because I am able to locate people who have made a difference in my life, and know that they still exist. Some I have been able to reconnect with, some I have as yet not, but the potential is still there.

Yet the Internet is also a curse when I find that someone who was a part of my life has passed away, as then my mind tends to reflect on everything that transpired between myself and that person, and I find myself wondering if there was anything I could have done (or they could have done) to change what happened–their death.

For instance, I recently learned that someone I used to hang out with a lot during my twenties died over the summer. Now, granted, I hadn’t seen or heard from this person in over ten years (not for lack of trying), but still…the moment I found out they had died I was thrown into a tailspin for days, because I had been searching for this person for several months in an effort to reconnect, but I was too late. By about two months. This made me angry! Angry that this person who was such a big part of my life is dead; and now there is no way to reconnect. Total bullshit. Death.

So…that just makes me wonder–now–how many other people in my life will I fail to reconnect with before it is too late? How many people out there are possibly looking for me, and I just don’t know it? Will we reconnect before…

How many times do we all leave the presence of our loved ones in anger? Or without saying “I love you”, without realizing that this moment in time may be our last together? How many of us say “I’ll see you later”, only to find…there is no later?

Why does it seem to take a tragedy for us to open our eyes, and realize how quick the end could come, and make changes in our lives? I say this because I also recognize that it wasn’t until my friend died in 1996 that I finally took stock in where my life was at, and where it was going. That the tragedy was a great stepping-stone in my own decisions going forward. The death of my friend–among other things–is what gave me the push I needed to change things in my life that were not healthy; such as my marriage. That period of my life was very volatile, and losing someone so close to me–so pointlessly–is what made me understand that I had to do something different. It was gut-wrenching at the time–my marriage ending; but in the end it turned out to be for the best; my ex and I have become far better friends, than we ever were as a married couple; and he is happy with his life, and I am happy with mine…and our son is happy; but it took the death of another for me to see that I was headed in the wrong direction with my life.

So, I guess that also helps with my control of my fear of death…yes death is horrible, yes it stops life, but, if one can get through the grief, and see the signs—learn the potential lessons—one can move on with their own life without fear.

This is what I am working very hard on grasping…the potential lessons of the death I read about on the news, or hear about amongst those around me. That to get over my fear, I must learn to not fear what could happen to me or mine at any moment. That not every death has no meaning. That not every death is without justification. That, yes, some even deserve death (such as people who shoot little girls).

That death is a part of life, and I need not fear life…which helps me to get out every day, and grab that cup of coffee, or take that photograph.

Or to find that long lost friend, and reconnect.

I just found out today that the Unemployment Representative I spoke to back in August gave me erroneous information.  Information I used when I was forced to plan my sudden thrust into “single-hood”, based solely on my own income.  Information I used to plan a budget for the next few months, in an effort to stay away from the bridge down the street with a spot under it with my name on a plaque.

After coming completely unglued, I actually began to laugh.  I mean, seriously, just tack it onto the list of all the other “things” that have been going on since the middle of August, and…yeah…

I lost my job in October of 2009 because I refused to lie to the federal government for my boss, and thereby was blamed–by said boss–for the feds being in the building in the first place. Because I refused to be bullied by a guy who thinks he is all that and a bag of chips, when in all actuality he is so far down the totem pole as to be almost non-existent in the business world.  Because I refused to compromise my ethics, and my professionalism, and possibly taint my future as an accountant, I lost my job.

Since then, I have been collecting a meager (by comparison to my wages) unemployment check, and by some strategic planning, I have been able to pay all of my bills–without having a roommate (at least for the last two months).  I have even been able to make a few purchases outside of bills (for crafting hobbies), and this has helped me a lot in my ability to stay sane, in what may have otherwise become a dreary existence indeed.

I work very hard to see the “good” in what is around me.  To stay “happy and go lucky”, even when by all outside appearances, my world may be falling apart.

It’s called pulling up your bootstraps.

I’ve had to do a lot of bootstrap-pulling in my life, as some of you are well aware, and this time is no different, except for the fact that I truly don’t know what the future may hold for the new year–and that is new.  Usually I am prepared.  Usually, I map out all of the “what-ifs” of a situation, so that I may make other arrangements for whatever may come my way.  In other words, by taking the information I am given, I am able to make “a plan”.

This time…no idea.

See, back in August I was told by said Unemployment Representative that in the event I was still unable to garner employment in the long term, I would be able to receive “Emergency” Unemployment, up to three tiers–until at least next August.

That information was incorrect.

I have realized today–while working on my budget–that I may not have any benefits left come November 27th, if Congress doesn’t extend the Emergency Benefits deadline.  Because I didn’t lose my job “within a certain time-frame”.

I am not stating this cause I am embarking on a “woe’s me” pity party…I am stating it because it made me realize that there must be millions more out there who are finding out this same information, and it absolutely concerns me as to what will happen to the country if this happens. (Think: France and Italy.)

Currently, national unemployment stands at 9.2%, and Colorado unemployment rose to 8.2%.

The “current” ratio for each open position stands at approximately 4.6:1.  That is…for every 46 unemployed people, there are only 10 job openings available.  This does not include the number of applicants for these open positions.  Based on my experience as an Office Manager, when I had to replace the receptionist at my former employer in early 2009, I literally received over one thousand resumes.

One thousand resumes for one position paying $10.00/hr.

I got resumes from people with experience ranging from “just out of high school” to “master’s degree in mechanical engineering”.

I am not kidding.

Now that I am “on the other side” I have, myself, applied to almost a thousand positions in a year; easy.  Between J. Kent Staffing, Robert Half Staffing, Office Team Staffing, Craigslist, Monster, Career Builder, The Denver Business Journal, and countless “business websites” over the last fifty-three weeks, I have had ten interviews.

Ten.

Out of hundreds and hundreds of resumes sent.

Ten.

The number one statement made to me during these rare interviews? “I must have received a thousand resumes for this job.”

“No kidding,” is always my reply, though I do not understand how any employer offering a position in today’s market can possibly be so surprised to receive so many applications for said position.  I mean, seriously, there are millions of people vying for only thousands of openings.  The numbers do not add up.

The problems facing the “long-term unemployed” which I now fall into are overwhelming, and…to be blunt…extremely frightening.

The problems are not only the lack of jobs available, and the millions of people vying for the jobs that are open, but also several other factors that have begun to crop up in recent months.  Suddenly a great many employers:

• Require a college education. (A college education to even be considered for a position of Administrative Assistant? That not even two years ago an applicant could have applied for right out of high school?)
• Only want to pay mediocre wages. (I am sorry, but if you are going to require a person with a college eduction of at least a Bachelor level, and you also want years of experience, for a laundry list of responsibilities it is unreasonable to offer only $10.00/hr.)
• Are not willing to hire “currently unemployed” individuals. (Um, excuse me?  Run that last one by me again?  No, it’s true!  It seems the “in” thing now is for companies to NOT HIRE UNEMPLOYED INDIVIDUALS!)
• Wish to hire for only part-time. (Under 25 hours a week; at $10 to $12/hr.)

Yes, things are certainly falling apart in the good ole’ U.S. of A.

I have worked hard my entire adult life.  I don’t use credit cards, I only pay cash for something I desire (with the exception being my car.), and I am going to school to better my future. In other words “Playing by the Rules”.  I do not live “outside my means”; I do not purchases extravagantly with borrowed money, and I am fulfilling a promise to myself after living through cancer to continue my education in an effort to better my life, so…

I like to work.  I don’t mind getting dirty, working late, working from home…I can be considered a “work-a-holic”, because I would put work before anything else in my life, if necessary, and now…now some people keep asking me: “Well, why don’t you go get a job?”

What an ignorant remark to make, especially in the current “Great Recession”.

First of all, one cannot just “go get a job”.

A job has to be OFFERED by someone.  You cannot just “go get” a job, as though jobs are plentiful, and on a shelf at the local supermarket. (Which, by the way, I applied to for any position available, and was declined due to being “over-qualified”.)

Also, one must take into consideration that the job market of 2010 is not the job market of say…1977.

In today’s business climate one cannot just merely walk into an establishment and expect to get hired.

In the last fifteen years, just about every place I have ever worked at outright refused to hire any person who was a “walk-in”.  I know of several business owners who instruct their “Director of First Impression” (fancy term for receptionist) to shred any and all applications received from walk-ins.  The reason?  Employers do not have time to vet someone who walks in and expects a job; someone who doesn’t “go through the proper channels” in today’s business market.

Places like Target and Home Depot are too big (have too much to lose in the public eye) to turn away walk-ins, so instead they have “kiosks” for potential employees to sit down and log onto the company website to complete an application, instead of allowing anyone who walks in looking for a job to speak to management.  This is due to the fact that almost all companies prefer to have resumes received through the Internet, or by e-mail–and preferably straight to the desk of whomever is in charge of Human Resources.  Employers do not want to see you, unless they have requested your presence.  This is why it is very rare to see a “Wanted for Hire” sign in a business window; company owners and managers in the 21st century simply don’t want to deal with the hassle, when it is far easier to finger through a stack of resumes on a desk; looking for keywords that pop out for whatever qualifications they happen to be looking for to fulfill an opening in their company.

Jobs are also only offered by companies willing to a.) hire and b.) to put their faith into you–that you are “the one” who can get the job done.

It matters not that I have applied to hundreds of openings in a year.  It matters not that I have been able to have ten interviews.  What matters is that out of those hundreds of job applications, only TEN called me back!  Only TEN asked to see me.  Only TEN gave me the interview (out of the thousand resumes received, mind you…) and NONE offered me a job.  Even though I have years of experience and am able to do a multitude of tasks.  No idea why I get turned down, either, because another new thing going around is the lack of communication from companies which are hiring.

Getting a response that a resume has been received is amazing.

Getting a CALL for an interview is down-right miraculous.

Getting an after-interview communication? Non-existent.

I had an interview two weeks ago (number 10).  I was told “Well, it’s been great to meet you! I will certainly be calling you back next week!”

Nope.

And nor was I expecting to, either, because so far…it just hasn’t happened in the 53 weeks I’ve been going through this grind.  See, I can pretty much tell whether or not I will have the job.  The first clue?  If after what you think is a successful interview the interviewer tells you “Well, we are only at stage one of our process,” or “We still have others to see,” than you most likely didn’t get the job.  This is because if the employer felt you were the correct one for the position, they would not need to see any “others”, and they would ask you to participate in the “next process” by way of giving you a set day and time to meet other members of the company in the very near future.

When I finally found the receptionist I wanted to replace the one who was leaving in early 2009; I knew she was the one I’d hire, told her my intentions, and canceled all other appointments set following her interview.  That’s just how it works.  There is no need to spend time and money going forward with interviewing other people, if you have found the one you want, and telling those you interview “We still have others to see” is just a polite way for the interviewer to let you know, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

So, you see where I am coming from, and what I have been going through, and there are literally millions of people in America engulfed in this same situation.

Some with young kids, some with kids in college, some with houses–and therefore mortgages.  Some who have drained what little was left of their life-savings, after the financial fiasco of 2008.

Some who have been forced into living in their vehicles, shelters, and the homes of friends and relatives who look down on them, as though they are the scum of the earth–simply because they are unable to find work.

Here is something to keep in mind:  By law, a person is only able to collect unemployment benefits if they lost their job THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.

That means that people–like me–have lost their jobs for doing NOTHING WRONG.

Layoffs, down-sizing, cost-cutting, outsourcing, (or in my case blatant abuse of ethics–and the law–by an employer); these are the reasons why there are so many–literally millions–of people without work in this country, and there are NOT ENOUGH JOBS for those of us to keep fighting over.  Read the papers…almost daily there are more and more companies letting go of good, high-quality, hard-working individuals.  And, I fear, it will only get worse as more and more companies take into account the recent changes to laws brought on by Obamacare (but that subject is for another article, entirely).  Many small businesses are looking at what the costs are going to be in the near future, and are not willing to hire any more employees to the payroll who could throw the company into an entirely new set of laws to follow for health care, and hence raise costs.

Now that the labor force is being inflated with so many people, the other thing I keep hearing is that the “unemployed are just lazy” and “they just want to collect welfare payments”.

I heartily beg to differ.  I have NEVER been on “welfare” as an adult (where I am able to make my own decisions, versus living under someone else’s roof as a child); unemployment benefits are NOT WELFARE, and I would hardly be classified as “lazy”.  I’d like to see some of the people making such remarks raise a child–alone–, work, and go through cancer-treatments all at the same time…talk about the furthest from lazy…no…that’s called: Hard. Work.

All I want is a job.

All that several people I know want is a job.

But…we can’t force someone to give us a job, and the only thing to do is to continue sending away the resumes at anything and everything that is out there, with a shred of hope that the next time our phone rings it will be with the news that “We Want You”, while we count down the days until November 27th.

After that?

I have no idea…

Peace,

ThamasD

I have had it up to HERE with news, politics, and opinions…therefore, I am in the midst of changing my entire site and blog to represent my fun and creative side. I shall now focus on photography and writing.
Enjoy.

ThamasD