Most pressing issue at hand…

As most people who know me are aware I have had several issues pertaining to my health occur over the last ten years.  The major one being that in 2004 I was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer, and had to subsequently have a radical hysterectomy in January of 2005.

Well, it has been five and a half years now, and my oncological gynecologist has given me a clean bill of health, though I do need to be checked regularly in the future.

Unfortunately, other issues have made themselves known to me rather recently, and some not so recently, that are affecting my general health at present.

Four months after the radical hysterectomy I was told that I had to also undergo radiation therapy, as there were still some microscopic cancer cells that were not able to be removed byway of the hysterectomy, so…I underwent the radiation, and was thrust straight into menopause within six weeks of completion.

That was four years ago, and while I am very accustomed to the occasional hot flashes, I was not aware of other issues that could/would arise from the loss of hormones.

Mainly, I have been experiencing issues with my teeth.

Since I was fourteen I have had TMJ, and–of course–it has gotten progressively worse, but now I am facing some serious dental work.  The question I find myself facing tonight is whether or not vanity is going to overrule my general health.

I have a front tooth that surely needs removed, but I am hesitant to have it done, as my dentist still has not been able to come up with a game plan for what to exactly do with my dental work.  While the “survivor” in me wishes to just get on with the process, and have the damn tooth out since it is not viable, the “girly” part of me is in complete protest of the thought of a gap in the front of my face, while waiting for the game plan to take shape.

Other changes that have recently occurred…

My long-term relationship came to an end last month (though apparently it was actually over about a year ago, to be completely honest) due to circumstances well beyond my control.  While this event was indeed heartbreaking, and it has been quite an adjustment to living alone once more, I am finding that there are a couple of good things that have come out of this disaster.

1.) I have been able to spend a lot more time on myself; meaning, I have been able to sit down and actually think about my life, and my goals, and where I am heading now, and where I’d like to be at the end of the year, next year, and five years from now.  That is not to say that I didn’t make such goals with W., but it does show me that for quite a long time I have been neglecting myself, over another.  This is bad.  Not because it is wrong to be in a partnership, but because I seemed to have lost myself at some point in the past, during my relationship, and turned myself from a strong, independent woman, into the type who gave up myself for the sake of another entirely.  See? B.A.D.

2.) I have realized that there are certain things I like to do that I have neglected over the last few years, and this is also bad.  If I am completely honest, and I usually am, I would have to say that it feels good to be able to sit alone and contemplate what I would like to eat for dinner, or what I would like to watch on TV, or what I would like to do as a hobby (like painting); instead of always thinking that my own desires were inferior to those of the partnership in general, or that I always had to put W’s in front of my own, considering this is exactly what I did for almost 5 years…  Christ, I could just bow my head in shame when I think of how long it has been since I’ve sat down and written out a chapter of fiction…I am most certainly going to have to revisit a lot of my notebooks, as see if I can’t catch a new spark for a story, and just write the damn thing, cause that is something I have always loved to do, and it truly has been too long since I’ve typed out some dialog for a character.

This is not to say that I blame W. in any way for the neglect I have made of myself, it just means that I had no real concept of just how much of myself I had lost to making sure that he was taken care of through the years.  While I do enjoy taking care of other people; especially those I love, I just can’t believe–as I write this–just how much I failed to take care of my own self (as far as nurturing my wants and desires).

I understand there is a term for this type of behavior, but as I have not been clinically diagnosed by anyone for anything, I am not about to list such terms here.  Suffice it to say that I am glad I have the experience of having spent more years alone, than in a relationship, and now that my relationship is over, and I am once more alone, I am just going through some adjustments.  I don’t wish any ill will on W., and hope that maybe some time in the future we can even be friends, but now I realize is the time that I must focus once more on me, and getting on with life.  Something that more than likely should have happened a year ago, but I digress…

Website…

As some of my regular visitors are now aware, I have drastically changed my website.  I have had this domain for almost seven years now, and while it has gone through some minor changes over the years, now it is considerably different.  I found that it was becoming entirely too depressing to concentrate on politics and other such subjects, and have decided to devote the site to my hobbies of writing fiction, and photography.  The only “non-fiction” that I will most likely add will be these posts, which I can’t make any promises as to how frequent they will be, considering the other big thing going on in my life…school.

Yes, I am back at it after a short break.  I got my Associate’s Degree in March, and am now pursuing my Bachelor’s. YAY!

Well, I guess that is about it for the updates presently…I’ll be sure to post something new, as I get the chance.

Peace,

ThamasD